Month Four Reflections!

 

Every time the 15th of a month comes, I am amazed. Another month of my one-year stint here has passed.

I have been trying to organize my thoughts for this post, but my brain just feels like mush. This has been a month of feeling defeated, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and hopeless. I hesitate to say hopeless because I know I serve a Savior of great hope. I do not want to negate that or seem like I do not believe that, because I do... very strongly. I am thankful that He is a God of hope and I can rely on him for hope, instead of the life choices and situations that seem constant here at the DHP. If I had only those to rely on…I would have quit a while ago!

While I was home for Annie’s wedding, my new primary, “Susie,” arrived. She is great. She is bubbly, funny, likes country music, and we get along great, usually. She has had one of the hardest lives that I have ever heard of. Just a quick recap: sexual abuse starting at 4 years old, a broken home, a mother who would put her in the hospital because she thought she was sick, drug/alcohol abuse, an alcoholic father, homelessness, sex-trafficking, different foster homes, sexual abuse by foster parents, lived in a crack house for 2 years, watched her father kill himself, etc. etc. etc. Pretty crazy huh? I thought so too.

With all her greatness comes great hurt. Lots of my feelings of inadequacies come from having no idea how to help this girl. I cannot imagine the amount of pain that she has endured throughout her life. Because of this pain, Susie often has “outburst” (as I like to call them). I am often caught off guard by these outbursts of anger, cussing, irrationality because they come so suddenly. I wrote about some of these instances here and here. I know that I am here to work with her through these and love her regardless, but it gets tiring. I don’t have the answers to her hard questions. I don’t know when she is “just going to get a break in life.” I just want her to be freed from all this crap she is experiencing in her brain.

Another tough thing this month was watching two residents go back to jail. After a few suspicious check outs, we finally discovered the truth…they were checking out to get high by smoking black mamba (K2, Colorado chronic, spice, etc.). Black mamba is similar to Mary J, except that it is more dangerous due to the fact that we don’t know the side effects of the drug. You can (and should) watch this video about it on abc news. When dropping one resident off at jail, he simply said “It doesn’t matter…this is my second home anyway.” My heart breaks for these kids! That is not their second home. That is not what the Lord wants for them! This also frustrates me so much because I see the potential in these kids. I also see the constant bad decisions that land kids back in jail and I get so frustrated. They don’t really want to be there, so why are these decisions made??? I cannot answer this or fix it, and it drives me crazy! I also need to remember where these kids have come from…the things they have been through. Things that are simple to me are not simple to them. We are fighting against 17-18 years of crap where they are told they are not worth it, not valuable…how can that mindset be changed? It sure is a hard fight.

Allllso…We recently had another female resident run away from the Dale House. “Carol” ran to Denver, got involved in some things, and the cops picked her up. She asked for a chance to come back to the DHP, which we allowed. When Carol was here the first time, it was t-o-u-g-h.She struggled with relationships with the other residents. She struggled with relationships with the staff. She just struggled. It was just tough. She decided it was too hard for her, and ran. Upon returning, she was given very strict guidelines. Her behavior and conflict style needed to be different and her relationships needed to improve. Her first day back was no different than when she left. Blow-ups, arguments, hurtful words, threats, etc. She had used up her second chance and I had to witness her finding out that she had been terminated from the program. It was hard to hear the conversation between her and our social worker, but so necessary for the other residents at the DHP. Carol needs a lot of help and a lot of prayer. It was hard to see her go, knowing that she had no where to go that night. She did have enough money for a hotel room, and hopefully she did that instead of sleeping outside. It’s hard to see kids like Carol, who need so much. I am angry with the people who raised her. I am angry with the power of the devil. I am angry she couldn’t control her actions so she could stay at the DHP. I just feel helpless.

Tonight at family night, Ted talked about Hebrews 12:1.

 Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,  fixing our eyes on Jesus.

It still amazes me how the Lord uses the people I work with to encourage me so much. Ted didn’t know my struggles, but used a verse that is just so perfect for me this month. I pray I can throw the things off that are hindering me…throw off discouragement, throw off frustration, throw off my lack of compassion, throw off my hopelessness, throw off anger…and run with perseverance with my eyes fixed on Jesus.

Whew. That was a lot. Thanks for reading, praying, caring, supporting, loving, and running with me.

 

and for some happy news…Allan comes to visit in 2 days!!